As a cognitive-behavioral psychologist, I am always telling patients to look at their expectations of themselves, other people, and the world around them.

Nowhere is this more important than in a long term, committed relationship. Clearly defining your expectations and negotiating for them in a variety of areas before you commit to a long term relationship is time well spent.

After reading this, you should be able to identify key areas of potential conflict in your relationship. And, it will serve to guide you toward areas of discussion. It might make sense to define these for yourself first and then come together with your partner to discuss where you stand on each. And, if you need help, I am available to help you to discuss, clarify, and reslove these potentially toxic issues.

10 Areas to Clarify for Your Relationship

1.   Beliefs about Romance and Relationships

For example, Do you believe that you should be able to get everything from your partner? Do you believe that arguing means the relationship is bad?

2.   How do you feel cared about in your relationship?

Clearly defining the ways that you feel loved and cared about will allow your partner to better meet your needs so that it registers for you. For example, if your partner buys you flowers every day at considerable expense and effort to him or her but you hate flowers, how effective is that?

3.    What is your past relationship experience like? Included in this should be a discussion of what you observed growing up between parents or primary caregivers.

For example, if you observed your parents always yelling but nothing getting resolved it is unlikely you will see discussing a problem as being beneficial. However, if you are partner observed parents who effectively managed anger to a successful resolution of a problem, then they will be pushing for a discussion of a problem. This creates an approach-avoidance dynamic.

4.    What are your beliefs, attitudes, and life experiences around money?

This is one of the big three that a couple will come in with as a presenting problem (money, sex, and communication). It is important to fully explore your common and differing values in regards to money; how you parents viewed and managed money; your own fears around money; and a plan for how money will be managed (ours or yours and mine, or yours, mine AND ours).

5.    Raising Children

If you and your partner are on the same page, life can go smoothly in this area and it is a non-issue. But, if you are not working together, your kids will pick up on this and use that to their advantage by playing you off each other while at the same time eroding the closeness you have as a couple. You need to discuss in advance your hopes, dreams, and goals for your children and the best way to achieve that; how to support each other and to work as a team in encouraging your children; and similarities and differences in ideas on disciplining the children.

6.   Hobbies and Leisure Time

Everyone has heard of the “football widow.” Well, any time a hobby or activity is taken to the extreme to the exclusion of your relationship, then the relationship suffers and resentment begins to build. It is important to have a good balance and talk about what works in your relationship. However, it should always include some mix of time together, time alone, and time with friends. And, if you have children, family time. How you choose to divide that up is up to you as a couple but you both need to agree on it.

7.   In Laws, Parents, Families

Pay attention to this early on! What kind of relationship does your partner have with their family? What kind of relationship do you have with them? What kind of relationship do you have with your own family? If one person is extremely close with their family but the other is extremely distant, then it is likely that there will be opposing expectations regarding time and desire to spend time with family. Likewise, if both are very close with family, there will be conflict and stress around holidays and with whom you will spend the time and how much time, etc.  Don’t wait until you have committed to each other to explore this.

8.   Sexual Compatibility

Talk about this early and often. Just because you were sexually active nearly every day while you were dating does not mean you can or will sustain that 5 years into the relationship. This can lead to disappointment, frustration, and resentment for one or both partners if it is not acknowledged and discussed.

9.   Division of Labor

Living together as a couple is not like living with roommates. It might be OK to engage in diffusion of responsibility (i.e., no one does it) when it comes to cleaning the bathroom when you are roommates, but it can lead to a big build-up of resentment if one person is always cleaning the bathroom, kitchen, vacuuming, doing the grocery shopping, etc. while the other one reaps the benefits and sits back. Likewise, your physical space can be a barometer for the health of the relationships. In other words, the more organized and clean your physical space, often times the more stable the relationship. So, discuss expectations around this and come to an understanding of what needs to be done, who will do it, and how often with an agreement that this can be renegotiated.

10.   Religious and Spiritual Values

It is entirely possible to have an inter-faith relationship provided that the couple discusses how they will handle areas of difference in regards to day to day living and worship, raising of the children, and celebration of any religious holidays and performance of any rituals.

Dr. Rich Weisberg is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in pre-marital, marital, and couples relationship oriented counseling. Contact him today for an appointment at 440 573- 1010.